Stepping Out

pcblues.com - Short Fiction



By the end of the journey, I was thinking I was not human, but that I inhabited one or more human bodies. My best male and female friends were also not human. As far as I know, my male friend manifested himself as only one or two friends in my current lifetime, but he may also have been about two or three other friends in the past - all with darkish hair. My female friend manifested herself as several red-haired females that have been in my life, and also as Burnie, my old cat - but not as every redhead.

I never travelled alone. There was always one or the other companion with me. In the first journey, my male friend accompanied me. For the others, the female friend was there, but the male friend appeared on television shows with me while I watched it. I couldn’t touch the friends that accompanied me except for Burnie.

 

The First Leg


I talked with my male friend about how the most important thing in the universe is friendship. I realised that I could communicate telepathically with my friend, which was really cool. It made me think, "There is more to life than meets the eye."

We then talked about getting everything ready to make an extraction, which was to be a total escape from the world. It was a matter of checking that everything was taken care of on particular levels so that we could close the door on that level and leave it behind.

One level was making sure that no-one thought I was home. I set the answering machine on, so no-one would call. Another level was the medical level, making sure that I was physically OK. My heart-rate was OK.

I then thought about how we live in a virtual reality. It was time to leave that level of reality, and realise my physical surrounds were just a figment of my imagination. To do that, I started pulling the room apart, throwing cupboards around, smashing windows, busting the computer keyboard. This was to prove to myself that I didn’t believe that my physical surrounds existed, and therefore not be trapped by them. I had escaped.

I flew through space, went to a beautiful beach on a planet somewhere, and had a beer with my friend.

I thought about how it would be possible to set life up so that it was a permanent good time. How I could keep my body alive automatically without having to live in it, and so I could live in another world without having to worry about keeping my body alive?

When I busted the room up, smashed the windows and threw my pillows out onto the verandah, I couldn’t believe no neighbours called the police. It made me wonder whether there is a reason I have so many lucky breaks. This is the line of reasoning that took me closest to thinking that there was some grand purpose to my life.

There were many more things that went on that night, but I find it hard to put them into words. Grand visions about getting to the heart of a matter, the continuation of life outside of the physical length of our bodily lives, and getting to know someone so well that you could skip thousands of words of communication and get to the point of a matter.

 

The Second Leg


The theme of this journey was letting go. Letting go of the things that held me to the world, held me to a finite life which ends in death, disease and decay. Letting go of my sense of reality so that other beings can come into my mind and my life. Ultimately I was afraid of doing this because even though I was promised eternity and experiences beyond my imaginings, I didn’t trust the beings who were making the promises.

I found myself floating in space looking at a vast network of what looked like lights, or stars. These were focal points around which life-force was drawn. Every now and then a strong collection of life-force would focus at one point in time and space, and I would hear, "New life!" and there was a celebration, and other strongly focussed lives (myself, my friends, and other strangers) would gather around it and nurture it. I would also be sad when life-force dispersed again from a point, because that signified a death.

I went out into the street and over to a train crossing. I was trying to let go, as described earlier. A train or car would approach whenever I felt close to letting go. Some of the cars slowed down, but I just couldn’t let go. So symbolically, they moved away again, without stopping. I was sure that the beings were driving the cars and trains, and that they would stop once I committed totally to letting go. None of them did.

Unusually the local public toilets were open early in the morning. I didn’t understand this, because every night they are closed at about six or seven in the evening. I went inside, and into the one dirty cubicle. I was tempted to dive into it a-la Trainspotting, as another act of letting go, but at this point I gave up, and I went home sad.

There was an old armchair over the road from my home, so I sat in that for a while, and watched something like an "End of Days" promo, loosely based on the scene in the church where Satan burst out of the ground as a big dragon beast. Arnie was nowhere to be seen. It played itself out in the driveway of the flats, and then I went inside. I got changed, feeling really grotty, and went to bed.

 

The Third Leg


The theme of this journey was the receiving of messages. I was hanging out with my female friend, and we were together, as something like boyfriend and girlfriend. Committed to each other, but short of married. We received the messages together, both through the television, and from a voice out of the sky outside.

We saw more reports of deaths and new lives, similar to the way I saw it during the previous journey. Sadness and rejoicing met each of the reports.

On television, there was an info-mercial about the Abrocker, and Tai-bo. But the faces of the people on the screen were the male friend’s and mine. On the television, we were talking about being long term stars of body-building and mind-strengthening. The Abrocker commercial made me laugh. It was about spending just five minutes a day having sex, because it worked out all the muscles that were required for childbirth, as well as providing the child.

Burnie was pregnant. Remember that Burnie is one embodiment of my female friend.

Electronics, computers and mobile phones would keep my female friend and myself in touch during the time that we were on Earth.

I went outside with my female friend. We heard that we would hear good news from Mars. Exciting news, but I didn’t know what the news was going to be. I had to wait and see. This journey occurred during the waiting period for a late transmission from the latest Mars lander.

I was tired from exploring the very bounds of life’s possibilities, thought, and the mind. We heard that we were going to receive a bonus. This bonus was a gift to reward us for working hard at exploration and living. I think the bonus had something to do with getting a child.

I talked to my female friend about a lot of things. We talked about how we put each other through hard times by putting each other in difficult world situations in order to learn new lessons. I talked about how I was doing the lion’s share of hard times, and it was about time I got looked after by her a bit, and treated to a long time of easy life, being pampered by her. She talked to me about making a commitment, akin to marriage. She wanted me to put on a ring, and promise to commit to her forever until I died. My friend said she worked really hard over the years at staying in shape, beautiful and ready physically to bear children, until I was ready to commit to her. I was overwhelmed with her effort, because I didn’t realise that she had been doing that.

We heard that there is a huge battle raging among the stars, and the outcome of the war would affect Earth, but the final outcome was not known.

While I was outside, I was told to read the signs. Street signs, signs in windows, on billboards. When I looked, they all seemed to make sense and to say something to me about making a commitment to my female friend.

I went back inside again. I was able to rid my body of all disease, but this was only temporary. I was going to have to die of disease to learn the wisdom of not doing unhealthy things like smoking.

I went into the bedroom. A person in the lounge narrated messages from heaven. I visualised it as a huge 3D lattice, something like an Escher drawing. It was a story about the make up of heaven, but I don’t remember much of it. I was bowed over in a position on the floor to give birth to a child. I didn’t give birth. I went to bed.

 

The Fourth Leg


The theme of this journey was working out a plan for married life with my female friend. I was to make a promise to my friend that I would be with her for the rest of my life, no matter what, and that we would bear many many offspring.

We watched television to see reports about news in the universe - about matters that had been going on while we had been living in our bodies on Earth. The following is what we saw:

She had been disqualified from having children because she had broken some rules to try to get some given to her from the Creator. She had tried so hard for years and was heartbroken to hear the news, and very angry. An inquiry had been set up to investigate the cheating allegations.

There were reports about the ranking of people and the allocation of new offspring to all the people who were trying out. There was a report about her retiring after trying for so long and so hard, without being given any. I cried for her because she was very brave in trying so hard and for so long.

She did not want to be with me because I was so embarrassing. In front of others I was a laughing stock. I had no obvious qualities, I looked funny, and was not respectable. I didn’t do the things I was supposed to each day just to uphold my side of a married relationship. I didn’t even know what I had to offer. We talked a lot. I had never made a promise that I could keep forever, and I doubted my ability to promise her that I would be with her for the rest of my life.

I put on a ring. It was a symbol of my promise to her. It was big and uncomfortable. I couldn’t promise to stand by her forever. I wanted to, but I didn’t believe in myself. She wanted children (thousands of children). I agreed to have children, but I didn’t know how many I wanted before I would freak out.

I had actually been chosen to have the children myself! So we would be able to raise new life together in the end. This was new and unique in the universe. It was a great experiment. She was still dirty on the Creator for not allowing her to bear them herself even though she wanted them so badly, and I didn’t.

She may also have been fatally ill because of my lack of attention to her. She disrespected me because of my bad memory, and I disrespected her because I didn’t understand her. I cried for her as I got to know her and learnt about her unfulfilled desires, courage, tenacity, and bravery. I told her that I would never want children as much as she did, and that I couldn’t want an unlimited number because I wouldn’t be able to look after and love them all. She was adamant that she wouldn’t commit to me unless I was willing to maintain the production of as many children as I physically could, and it would be a life of manageable pain in order to bear as many as she wanted.

On top of this, I wanted to save the world from hunger, and she wanted to save the world from cancer. We had to come to many agreements and compromises if we were to commit together forever. I had to give up the way I had been forever, without turning back. I had to grow up, and be an adult. I had to give up cynicism, and hurtful words. I was full of fear and self-doubt. She was full of disappointment, anger and loathing. I was supposed to encourage her and she was supposed to encourage me. I knew that if we built each other up, we could achieve all of our dreams, but perhaps in a way neither of us had expected. I had to protect her, and stop being disrespectful and fearful.

We both had to clean up our lives. I was supposed to be a provider, but I had totally failed in managing my own affairs. It was another public embarrassment that she did not want to face by being married to me, but she loved me anyway. I was scared of women, and of their reproductive organs. My inability to use the female genitalia with confidence. I told her that I would stand by her even though there was some things that she had held back on telling me from shame. Her eyes lit up at that. She was still under suspicion for what she had done underhandedly to try and get some offspring, and getting married would mean that I would also undertake responsibility for her past actions. She was touched that I was prepared to do that even though she hadn’t told me exactly what kind of trouble she was in, or what her punishment was going to be.

I was to protect her from the ugly things in life - the scary and grotesque things. She didn’t want to have to know about them or see them, let alone have me talk to her about them. This I could agree to.

We were not human. Humans had been selected for destruction. Should we try to save them? I had to be brave and fight the enemies, which were also not human. They infiltrated humanity and were very deceptive. They were interested in trapping and torturing humans and us as well. Were humans of any intrinsic value? Or were they just animals. Should I be out fighting and becoming respectable, or should I stay inside and create offspring for my partner to mother? What she wanted most in the world was children. Was there enough love between us to make me brave, and her happy?

I then discovered my special power. It was that I kept going for no reason at all, and that I had in me somewhere answers to big questions, and solutions to difficult problems, that, when solved, could have a full and amazing positive impact on the world. I had the power to be positive for no reason at all, in the face of seemingly impossible opposition. But other than that, I had no power of any mention.

My spiritual parents  finally had enough of our indecision and lack of trust and reproduction. They were also scared of doing what they had to do, and scared of telling us what we needed to hear. Spiritual Mother then came out and said enough was enough. She was going to show us how it was done (reproduction). I did not want to watch. My spiritual grandparent had also put away enough to cover for all the mistakes that I had made in my past. Both my spiritual parents and grandparents had sacrificed a lot in order to give us a fresh start when we were ready to put away childish attitudes, and take on the responsibilities of marriage and offspring. It was a great relief that they were much more far-sighted and wise than we were.

I was not to make my partner jealous, by looking at the bodies of other beings. She was my soul mate. She was discouraged by not being pretty enough, and being out of shape. She had been several people in my body’s life, and she wanted me to choose which one she wanted me to have as a wife. I couldn’t decide. Each one I rejected was like rejecting her personally. I asked if I could have each one for a period of time, and she said that was not acceptable, and it was time for me to stop wanting the best of both worlds, and make a decision. One of her was technologically capable, confident, attractive, and funny, pretty, but not amazingly beautiful. One was very pretty, strong, but unconfident, untrusting, and easily roused to jealousy. One was very intelligent, attractive, but prone to chronic sickness and with a possible early death date. One was a cat, very companionable. Which was I to choose?

Meanwhile, time was running out for the world and the humans in it. Time for making the choice was running out, and the maximum number of offspring offered to me was decreasing every minute.

In the end, I decided to love myself first, and my partner second. I would become respectable, clean up my life, grow up, make a fresh start, and fix up my situation as best I could, given the mess I had let myself get into. I had committed as best I could. I had taken the ring off my finger and replaced it with a promise to her in my heart, until we could do it properly with a rich ceremony and celebration some time in the future, and a honeymoon to a beautiful tropical place where we would have children. I didn’t know if I was going to always be able to keep the promise until I died. I was going to try. I hoped that was enough for her.